I’ve been accused of not being personal enough here, and rightly so. But talking about faith is so, well, personal. Especially talking about losing one’s faith. This is big, tangled stuff that’s not possible to explain in a single pithy blog post. So, I’ll try to post once a week about my personal search for faith, and hopefully the pieces will fit together in some meaningful way.
First, I should come clean about why I started this blog a few month’s ago: I felt like I was losing faith in myself as well as the higher power that I’ve always believed guides my life. There was no big dramatic event leading up to this, which is what made it particularly difficult to rationalize away. In retrospect, over the past year or so, I’d felt my confidence that positive outweighs negative slipping away.
Let me back peddle a bit and explain a bit more about how I define my faith. (Your faith may be different.) For me, it has nothing to do with religion, and only something to do with God. I’ve always battled depression, but over the past decade I’ve learned to manage it without medication through what I call “having faith.” I can’t define exactly what that is, although I’ve tried in my sidebar⎯and I’ll keep trying! What I do know is this: faith is what gets me out of bed in the morning, and keeps me moving in forward in life even when I feel like I’m slogging through quicksand.
Lately, I’ve met a lot of people who feel just like I do: their confidence in themselves and the world is on shaky ground. Which loops back to why I started this blog and created my Manifest for Faith: For more than a decade, I’ve been interviewing people about what inspires them to change their lives, reach out to help others, and sometimes even change the world. Many of the folks I’ve written about use the same word to describe what keeps them moving, one step at a time. The same word I use to describe what keeps me getting up in the morning: faith. Maybe there’s some power in numbers, in collecting stories of faith while I recover my own share of it.
My theory is this: In our increasingly unstable, downright scary world, faith ⎯ even more than happiness or money ⎯ is the master key to unlock a meaningful life. I want to learn more about it⎯how people get it, lose it, regain it and use it. In a nutshell, this blog is my stab at unlocking a meaningful life. I hope this isn’t, as my sons say, “TMI” (too much info)! If it is, I apologize in advance… there’s much more to come.
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What a lovely post, Jen. Not too much information at all — just a sense of getting to know you and your own struggles better.
Not TMI at all Jen. I can’t think of much of anything else as personal or scary to blog about as faith. I applaud your courage in even broaching the subject. Best of luck on your search for the answers.
Part of faith is peeling back the layers and the distance and knowing that it will be okay. Sometimes it is the big, larger than life personalities that get the spotlight. But behind all that stuff is a human being trying to maintain their footing and dignity and dreams. The word “faith” means different things to different people. Thanks for sharing what context faith has for you.
AC
Gosh, this is such a thought provoking post. I wish I could define my faith, but I think the older I get, the harder things get and the more I realize how random things can seem. That being said, I don’t think I could get out of bed every morning if I didn’t have some sort of belief that it’s all worth it and we are moving towards something. I love that you are actively searching for understanding…
Jennifer, I admire your attempt to share a more personal side of your faith story. It’s a catalyst for me to examine my own. I believe in optimism but perhaps, that optimism is, in reality, a form of faith.
Really interesting post! I think you’re right about people today searching. My mother used to say the world had become so much more complicated than when she was young. Having such an uncertain world spinning around you, one clings to what one can: friends, family, personal beliefs. I think 9/11 undid a lot of people. Sometimes religious faith helps. I saw my brother-in-law and his wife react to the loss of a child to crib death, and could not help but notice how their faith kept them strong. I regretted not having such faith myself. I look forward to reading more as you explore this topic ….
For me, the hardest times in my life have strengthened my faith, my belief, in something bigger than myself. I’ve come to believe that that something–whatever it is (and it can/does change)–knows what is best for me/where I’m going/what I need to see. I just need to be willing to listen. To take the next indicated step. It doesn’t really matter what you or I call it–this faith–I suppose, but I do know that reading your post has been a gentle reminder to pay attention to that higher place/higher power on a day to day basis.
Oh my Jennifer, this is great. I always thought it was coffee that got me up and out of bed in the morning. But it is bigger than that just fresh brewed cup of java. It is “faith” in knowing that I am privileged to be living another day. The day starts as a blank slate and it is up to me to make it worthy. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not, but I take comfort in the fact that if I didn’t succeed, there is always tomorrow. All we can do is try our best.
Friend of Andrea’s. I loved this…I could have written some of it myself. I’m such an optimist, but more these days, I find myself struggling. I was a devout and active Episcopalian until just a couple of years ago (very nice and progressive church), but I found my church unable – solely – to sustain my faith or help me make sense of some of the really terrible things I was seeing in the world. I will follow this blog and this journey. Thank you for writing.
I’ve been quietly following you here for a while. I no longer even know what faith is, but I remain curious. I lost any belief…but does that mean I don’t have faith? Can’t answer it…
All of these comments don’t just give me faith that I’m not whistling into the wind w/this blog, but they give me faith in the power of human connection, the yearning for something more and what that can lead to. I’d really like to build a community of people looking for the kind of faith we are talking about here… maybe, eventually, a forum. See? That’s what faith can do: it gives you the power to dream BIG!
Beautiful post. I think everyone at some point or another comes up with their own definition of faith–whether it be in God, goodness of people, confidence in themselves. I recently read that faith is one leg of a three-legged stool. The other two legs: hope and charity. I think when you need a little jolt of faith, perhaps a bit of hope in a better world and doing something nice for someone else can help. For me, I do believe in God. I see his goodness and power in so many things in my life and others. Doesn’t mean I expect life to be perfect, just that I know someone will help lift my burdens.
Jennifer,
How brave of you to delve into this phenomenon. I lost a lot of faith years ago after a diagnosis with breast cancer AND then losing my two best friends to the same disease a few years following that. Faith has slowly crawled back into my life, perhaps only because I needed it to cling to the fact that life goes on, and I must put one foot in front of the other each day since each day comes and goes so quickly. With a complete loss of faith comes a complete loss of any sort of optimism or enjoyment of life.
I look forward to reading more on your search and know you will inspire others with your words.
I love the stool analogy, Kristen! For me, hope is part of the same “leg” as faith. The other two legs are giving to others (I guess that’s charity) and believing in self as a competent, complete entity separate and connected to a higher power. I hope that makes sense! (There are probably some more legs in there, too…)
Thank you Jennifer for expressing such vulnerability. If I understand you correctly, I too find myself in this very same position of some days asking “what is this for, what is the point?” and really, not with a depressive mood, but coming from years of trying so hard and running in to tragic events that have taken most of my spirit to overcome or, at best, to ride the wave. I only know for sure that I can self-generate hope and faith by doing, then acknowledging that I “did that” and then building on that lift and doing more. I don’t always have the spirit energy on some days and say to my family, “I’m gonna run from this house screaming!” …it’s a bit of a joke with sincere undertones. (My 12 yr old daughter left me a note one day as she left for school, “I hope your here when I get back, ha! I love you!.”) The days I feel a revival of focus and energy are my stepping stones.
Chronic illness and tragic loss can stop a person in their tracks; they are my nemesis. Then I have a day, like yesterday, where someone such as yourself, contacts me out of the clear blue sky and leads be a bit further towards my desire to publish freelance articles. Events such of this one, reaffirm to me that I don’t have to be in control; I just need to ask the universe for what I desire most and then wait hopefully, patiently. If I choose to believe, and lean on what I know for sure, then shelter will find me and I will survive.
Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your life. I look forward to getting to know you better. I find you inspiring! CHEERS!
V
I appreciate your honesty in this post, Jennifer. I have never had conventional faith in the white bearded god but I am trying to have faith of some kind. I guess it’s faith in goodness and kindness… It helps to read about your struggles.
For me, faith is a visceral presence. I know it is near when the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, or goosebumps erupt down my spine, or when I cry over a silly WalMart commercial that touches a profound truth in my life. I experience faith as an actual encounter with something that is absolutely true and authentic, seen or unseen.
I love your definition of faith on your blog, Jen: “Faith is daring to do something ⎯ daring to believe ⎯ regardless of the consequences.”
Over 2 years ago, we took a leap of faith and began a whole new life we’ve always dreamed of living. Now we’re living the consequences, most good – but with the economy the way it is, some not so good. Still, I think I have the faith that things will turn about soon, isn’t that what keeps us from staying in bed all day? I think it is for me.
Jennifer,
There’s a song Rani Arbo & daisy mayhem have recorded called Closer — about getting closer to understanding faith — with the conclusion ‘looking up and wondering is where I’m supposed to be…’ You might like it, it’s on their record called Gambling Eden. Also a a song called Own Road to Heaven on that same album which talks about similar idea. Their work doesn’t focus on faith but takes in faitha s part of life, with a lot of questions.
I think it’s great you’re talking about your own personal quest. Personal quests are never easy (I’m doing one on my blog, so I know how it feels to do it in public!), but I think they are almost always useful. And I find that most people are supportive. Good luck with it!
I like this post, but I *really* like what you said in a follow-up comment: faith gives you the power to dream big!
Particularly in this economy, I think it’s still crucial to dream big and remember that the dream does not equal money.